Pelosium strikes again!

This I beheld, or dreamed it in a dream, or maybe a friend sent it to me:

Subject: Densest Element known in science

Pelosium strikes again!

BREAKING NEWS!!

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element
yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium. The chemical
symbol of Pelosium is Pu. Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy
neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These
particles are held together by dark particles called morons, which are surrounded by
vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Pelosium’s mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with
various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the
Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes. This characteristic of moron-
promotion leads some scientist to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons
reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as
Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates MSNBCobnoxium and
CNNadnausium, both elements that radiate orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as
incoherent noise, since they have half as many peons but twice as many morons as
Pelosium.

Since it has no electrons, Pelosium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as
it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a
minute amount of Pelosium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete
when it would have normally occurred in less than a second. In the presense of anti-
morons, Pelosium can be extremely corrosive. Botox seems to distort and smooth it's
surface, without impeding it's ongoing decay.

Pelosium has a normal half-life of approximately two years, at which time it does not
decay, but instead undergoes a transmutation, appearing in a new location but
displaying the same properties. In this process, assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and
assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic
mass actually increases after each transmutation.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Pelosium occurs naturally in the
atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large
corporations, universities, and anywhere there is news coverage occurring. It can
usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Pelosium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration
and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate.
Attempts are being made to determine how Pelosium can be controlled to prevent
irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

-- Note [by cwp]: a very small amount of knowledge of science will be required to
understand the humor of this article. A very small amount of science can be found in
the average high school student.